Sometimes It's Nice To Drink Five (5) Different Kinds Of Alcohol In The Same Day 🍺

There have been 23,165 players in the history of Major League Baseball, but only 301 of them have hit for the cycle¹. That's just 1.3%. Of all players. Ever. It's a rare feat. Not the most rare thing in baseball, but certainly not something you see every day — or even every season.

But now that baseball is back and spring is springing, it's time for me to share a different type of cycle with you. A decidedly fun type of cycle. An absolutely dumb type of cycle.

Folks, I'm talking about drinking for the cycle.

In virtually every way, drinking for the cycle is more enjoyable than hitting for one. And no less impressive, imho. Instead of getting four (4) different types of hits (difficult, lots of running, prestigious), you're drinking five (5) different types of alcohol (fun!, can be seated, deranged). Those five types, in alphabetical order, are: beer², brown liquor, clear liquor³, red wine, white wine.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "that sounds dangerous," or, "that seems excessive." And you'd be right on both counts. But here’s the thing, dear reader: you’re subscribed to this newsletter. And that single fact tells me that you are quite possibly of the disposition which — if you scroll back through that memory bank of yours and focus on some of the foggier areas — you might have drank for the cycle. At least once. Maybe more. 

That's fine. That's great. I love it. In fact, I have done it upwards of a dozen times.

Now, I'm not advocating for doing this every day. Hell, I wouldn't even recommend doing it every weekend. But as spring starts to ramp up and eventually transitions into summer, vacations start happening, music festivals start vibing, and get-togethers start getting together. And it just so happens that each of those events is a prime time to drink for the cycle.

I've logged the long hours and put in the hard work, experimenting with different ways to achieve this feat so you don't have to. Based on my experience, here are a few tried and true approaches:

The Beach Vacation Cycle™ 🏖️

1. Mimosa (White Wine)
   I'm not a Bloody Mary guy. Not a fan of tomato juice. (I know.) It's one of my faults. I admit it. So, Mimosas are my brunch drink of choice on vacation (and at the hog shit snarfing contest). The proper ratio, imho, is 99 parts champagne to one part orange juice. Great way to ease into the day. Won't weigh you down on the sand.

2. Lager (Beer)
   The key to packing a cooler to take to the beach is the six-for-you-one-for-me rule. For every six (6) beverages you put in the cooler, you have to drink one (1). It's the law, actually. So if you're not throwing a couple-two-three crispy lagers down your gullet while you layer that ice, you're putting yourself in danger.

3. Margarita (Clear Liquor)
   Canned. Mixed. Pre-made. Shaken at a seaside shack. I've never met a margarita I didn't like. Margs were made for the beach and the beach was made for margs. Be careful though, it's a fine line between enough margs for a nice little honk-shoo in the sand and enough margs to put you down for the count and miss your last two drinks for the day.

4. Cabernet Sauvignon (Red Wine)
   Most days on a beach vacation, I'm eating seafood. That makes a red tough to fit in, which is one of the ways that drinking for the cycle is so elusive. But there's always that day, somewhere in the middle of the trip, when you just want a steak. That's when you make your move and sip on a nice, full-bodied red alongside your rare red meat.

5. Tiki/Rum (Brown Liquor)
   One of the true joys of a beach vacation is getting to drink stuff you normally wouldn't. Particularly Tiki cocktails. Whether it's a Jungle Bird or a Painkiller or even just a Dark and Stormy, treat yourself to something exotic to close out the night before you do it all over again the next day.

The Music Festival Cycle™ ⛺️

1. IPA (Beer)
   I went to Bonnaroo for ten (10) years in a row, so I know very well how those mornings go. The best hair of the dog, in my experience, is to roll out of the tent, drink a mid-ABV beer as quickly as possible, follow that up with a coffee and three Advil, then just sit and look into the middle distance for a while. At a certain point things will come into focus and you'll be as right as rain.

2. Screwdriver (Clear Liquor)
   The key to festival-going success is to get a buzz going early and then carefully maintain it throughout the day. Once you've gotten some food in your stomach, pour some vodka into a mug of OJ and add a packet of Liquid IV. Multiply your hydration, my friend. And add a little Vitamin C to help carry you through the day.

3. Franzia Crisp White (White Wine)
   One of the most ingenious things I've ever seen is the roving gangs of Franzia fiends. Small groups of enterprising young folks wandering around the campground offering a pull of Franzia, sans box, directly into your mouth in exchange for one (1) dollar. You can't beat that.

4. Bota Box Merlot (Red Wine)
   Sneaking booze into the festival grounds is both an art and a science. Fun fact: precisely two (2) 12-ounce cans of beer fit into a Pringles container (be sure to only peel the top part of the way). But also, a half-drunk bag of Bota just makes it look like you have a FUPA if you position it correctly.

5. Whiskey (Brown Liquor)
   Whether it's sipping from a flask next to the soundboard or from a tin cup back at the campsite, nothing closes out the day — and the cycle — quite like a cheap whiskey nightcap.

The Get-together Cycle™ 🌭

1. Mexican Coffee (Clear Liquor)
   A little bit of Mezcal in your coffee does wonders for the soul. And it helps sand down the edges of your brain just enough if you're about to spend the day with a bunch of folks — family or otherwise — you may or may not be too psyched about seeing.

2. Pinot Grigio (White Wine)
   I love — LOVE — a good charcuterie spread. Meats and cheeses and crackers and olives and pickles and nuts and spreads and meats and cheeses. It's like a choose-your-own-adventure for the taste buds and I adore exploring all the various permutations with a crispy little white in my hand. Little bit of acid to cut through the richness. Hot damn.

3. Pale Ale (Beer)
   You've got a good base going at this point, so feel free to slam a few beers. If tubular meats end up getting grilled, a tasty little pale could be the move.

4. Sangria (Red Wine)
   When your glass is full with both wine and fruit, it can be difficult for other partygoers to tell how quickly you're drinking. Hit up that pitcher as frequently as you wish because those oranges and strawberries and whatnot are running cover for you.

5. Bourbon (Brown Liquor)
   The only way to end a proper get-together is with a fire. And the only proper way to sit by a fire is with a bourbon in your hand. Hopefully by this point, everyone is over-socialized and you can just listen to some tunes, stare into the flames, and complete the cycle in your own little bubble.

So there you have it: not one (1), not two (2), but three (3!) easy ways to drink for the cycle. While you might not have thousands of fans cheering you on along the way like our MLB heroes, if you're like me, you can text the group chat, "I went 5/5," and you'll be greeted with all the support you need.

Cheers. 🥂🍺🍸🍷🍹

1. A cycle occurs when a player hits a single, a double, a triple, and a home run in the same game.

2. Cider, mead, and sake are all beer substitutes in this profoundly dumb exercise.

3. Hard seltzer can only count as clear liquor. Not beer. Not white wine. Those are the rules. No category fraud.

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Have your own 5/5 strategy? Post it in the comments.